it gathers dust...

My camera has been gathering dust for about a month now.

Today was the 1st day, since I decided  to stop taking photos, that I had a pang of jealousy (no worries to my dear friends, I will still take your pictures if/when you want me).

I know it was the right choice to walk away; family time has taken a great hold on me than the desire to create.

Back to my pang and how it started:  I stumbled across this photographers web site and as I scrolled past each image, I began to wish I was still capturing life for others.

Not sure if it was her photos, her editing or just the fact it's been a while since I have looked at pictures; but something really moved in me.  Gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, I will pick up my camera down the road (way down the road).

For now, I have to be ok with the choice that I made.  I have to remember the reasons I took this new path. I have to be satisfied with where I am right now.  I may wish and dream that I was creating images that make me drool or squeal in delight. I may also type a few more "jealous" posts down the road.  Because, right now I am just trying to adjust to a life without my camera in hand.

i may be in trouble here....

For those that know me really well, they know that I have an obsession with taking pictures of certain things (feet, Mini O, myself, etc.).  This post is about photos of myself.  And for the record I took them when I was sober (very, very sad)

On most days I hate the way I look; but I try to find something I like and remind myself it could be worse.  I could get in an accident and be disfigured.  I could make up with some strange ailment that makes my skin bubble and fall off.  I can be dramatic at times.

My new laptop  has a built in camera.  When you combine me, a lack of motivation to do real work and a camera, I think you get disaster.

Here are a few that I took as I tried to ignore the work that is staring at me.  I ask myself "why do I post these".  Can't keep all the funny pictures to myself.  Plus gives my mom and dad a chance to see what I look like, it's been a while since they left and we have yet to video chat.  (miss you guys xoxoxo)

i am feeling old today...

I did a wedding yesterday and didn't get to bed till after midnight.  After a semi-bad sleep and a 2 hour drive home, I am feeling a bit old and tired today. 

But it was so worth it!

I have two shots that made my mouth drop open.  As I looked through the view finder I could not believe how lucky I was to be able to capture that I was looking at.  I would not trade the lack of sleep or the 200 + miles I drove; it was so worth it.  I truly love what I do. xoxoxo

crap...

It's almost 10 and I am still awake. 

Just got home from two sessions and I am pretty wired.  I love photography but the past few weeks I have been debating stopping my business.  My kids are only small for so long and I have a ton of guilt for being away from them.

And them bam, tonight, I fell in love with my passion all over again.  I do need to scale back a bit.  There are other things in my life i really want to get done (like document MY kids).  The next few months will be an adjustment period and I hope I can be strong enough to say no and scale back.  I need this for my sanity.

Off to bed; it will be so hard to get out of bed tomorrow.

ode to tara...

Carson didn't want to join us.

I almost forgot I was doing a family photo a month thanks to reading on Tara's blog. Here is our family photo for March, hope April's is better.

i think i am in love...

My canvas came today. It was waiting for me by my front door when I pulled into the driveway this afternoon. I was like a kid in a candy store; I could not WAIT to open it.

It turned out really nice. Once I get it up on the wall I will post a picture. Carson is napping so I really can't hammer at this point. Not sure what Randy will say, lets see if you will notice it when he gets home.

I think I have a new addiction. Man, I have ideas for all over the house!

i heart canvas...

I did it; I just placed my 1st canvas picture order. Thank you Jen for showing me what yours looked like.

I have had the picture picked out for months but never go around to ordering it. I was afraid that it would not turn out. But once I saw a picture I took for Jen on canvas I became really, really excited. It took me a while to size the darn thing but it will be well worth it (I hope).

Randy has no idea, he will hate it but hes a boy, they don't appreciate at the small things that make up a home!

I can't wait; I will keep you posted and will post a pic when I get it up on the wall of my bedroom.

so happy....

I am in the process of editing this session and had to share one pictures. This girl is adorable; there is 4 of them (4 sisters in all). Man, I would hate to be the father to these girls.

almost...

Did a photo session today. It was 77 at 9:00 am!!!!

Anyway, I get there and turn my camera on and guess what, not CF Card!!!! That's the thing that keeps the pictures, no card, no images, very unhappy clients. Luckily I had an extra one in my bag (I usually keep 3 in there).

Note to self, do not leave the house in a hurry right before a shoot!

new pictures...

check out my photo blog to see more pictures of this cute mom-to-be.

new photos...

posted a session I did a few weeks ago on my photo blog - check it out.

new photos...

check out my photo blog - just posted a session i did a few weeks ago.

reasons i love my new toy...

Love my new lens!!!!

I have lots of practicing I need to do; I will be posting more macro shots as I do them. If you like them great, if not, bear with me and ignore the macro posts. It has opened up a whole new world to me!

new toy...

This is the second reason I LOVE photography, the extra money lets me buys fun toys for my camera!

who sleeps here...

Check out my photo blog of pics of the sweet little lady who sleeps here.

1215...

That is how many pictures I took in 3 days! Granted they were for 3 photos shoots - damn that is a huge number.

Now I get to go through each one and pick the best for my clients. I LOVE it!!!

check it out...

I updated my photo blog, check it out. Hope to get last weeks session up soon.

new photos...

I posted another photo session on my photo blog - check it out. Happy Mothers Day!!!

it had to happen sometime...

this is a "feel sorry for myself" post - if you would like to bypass this post I totally understand.

I am not fishing for compliments - or complaints - I just need to get something off my chest.

I had a photo shoot today, and about 2 mins in I knew it was not going to be good. The wind was cold and the baby did not want to sit still. I come home and looked at the images. I am not happy.

I have a grey cloud over me. I feel so bad. I feel like I should not be doing this. I feel bad for taking money when I can not perform 100% of the time. I feel like a fraud. I will give her the option of taking the images and giving her money back or re-doing another session when/where she would like.

My mind races with images of people I respect and admire and I feel ashamed!!! I have a very looooooong way to go. I will get back on the horse but I this feeling will stay with me for a while.

Now I must go drowned my sorrows in chocolate chip cookies.

are you a follower...

I just added a "follower" button to my photo blog; I would love it if I had some people there (hint, hint).

Hope to see some of your names there soon.