You just have to stop and look back on your life and wonder.
I go through my life just bopping around, than one day I realized things have shifted and I was not aware that anything had happened. I have been having those "moments" on and off for the past six months. The last few days the "what happened" feelings have become more intense. Today I let myself (ok made myself) stop and really look at what has been going on around me.
This time it has to do with friends. I cherish my friendships; I think it stems from not having very many "real" friends while I was growing up. Anyway, the friends that I have made over the past 5+ years are very, very special to me. As time goes on, I have noticed that some of my friendships have gone to the way side; started to slip. I remember the moment when it started to drift, felt it start to pull, but didn't want to acknowledge it, so I turned away. Fast forward over a year later and I can see the distance growing more and more every day.
I can only blame myself, wish I could turn back time and undo what has been done. I still have no idea how to repair the fine lines of friendship. Has this ever happened to you? You wake up and realize that person is no longer in your life and wonder "what happened?".
This is hard for me. I am a very secretive person, never wanting people to get close to me; to see the "real" me, if they do, they can hurt me. This blog is a funny, funny thing. There is so much I want to post, but hold myself back. Right now, I am editing a lot, wondering if I have the guts to hit the "post" button. A lot of the time, after I hit post, I say "why did I do that???". I don't keep a journal; I use this blog to journal parts of me so my kids can see who I was (good parts and bad ones). I wonder what I will think when I look back on this in 6 months or 6 years. Will the friendships that I have lost still be gone, or will I have taken the steps to limit the distance.
Well, that's me rambling right now. Guess I should stop. My emotions are up and down, just like the horses on the merry go round.
1 comment:
I totally get you about the friends thing. It's happened too many times in my life. I always seem to have excuses not to call and then time passes and it seems too late or too hard to re-connect. I won't let us drift apart... I'm like herpes. I'll keep coming back - forever!
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